Want to Build a Strong Relationship? You Must Know This
Any relationship worth having requires work. The work is simple but not easy.
I will not claim to be the guru on this subject. I refer to the work of Adam Lane Smith, who I discovered on the Modern Wisdom podcast. Smith talks about Vasopressin bonding and how men and women bond differently.
According to Smith, women bond in the absence of stress while men bond in the presence of stress.
For men, a great bonding experience is to ride Sani to C. For women, it is a weekend at the spa.
The male bonding experience involves completing an event with a riding partner where they physically extend themselves. The experience puts stress on the body and requires a high level of cognitive engagement. Women, on the other hand, want to be pampered in a stress-free environment.
This poses an obvious problem. Solving this problem requires compromise. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you must take your wife mountain biking or force your hubby to have a facial with you.
It appears that the Vasopressin response in men can be triggered with a simple case of problem-solving. It works especially well when a man can solve a problem for a woman and relieve her of stress in the process. That sounds like such a stereotype.
An important qualification may be required right about now. Having a man solve a problem for his wife does not look like a to-do list of chores around the house. Although, any wise man should know that doing those chores before being asked can result in great rewards.
The problem solving, Vasopressin trigger in men comes from a combined effort of overcoming a challenging situation or solving an issue that could result in a rewarding outcome or reduce pain and stress. A great example is planning a trip, especially if there are complex logistics and several moving parts. Deciding which flights, trains, and busses to take to get to a beautiful destination and be rewarded with a cocktail on the beach might be one example.
Adam Lane Smith talks about a counterintuitive and controversial element of male and female bonding. Smith suggests that the female archetype of having everything in life sorted and not needing to rely on a man is the exact opposite of what is required to form a bonding relationship. The strong independent type might be an attractive attribute in the world of Tinder and hook-up culture but does not translate into fertile ground for a strong and binding relationship.
There is a truth here that I suspect we all know. Vulnerability is an attractive characteristic. It implies trust and openness. It also presents an opportunity for bonding and building a stronger relationship.
Justin Spencer-Young
